Pls review my short story Beautiful miss Grover

I have been to Mangalore twice.Me,My boss and my two juniors had all driven down to inaugarate my boss's new Tavera.We stayed at a place by the sea.It had two bedroom villas and used to be the officers colony when the british established a minimg company.I am ofrgetting the neame now.But I always remember the day as we were medidating on the beach that day and would have been wiped out if the Tsunami had hit the west coast.

Second time I had gone to visit a Candle manufacturing factory and I remeber the tough landing at Mangalore airport which you have also mentioned in your post.

Renie,Need some dope on Malena,I am out of context here.

Wishing a good day to both of you !

Has anyone here seen Malena?

I have not seen it; but that one is in my pending list for a long time.  Now that you have mentioned it, i will see it ASAP.  Then probably I will understand the hidden meaning of your post.

It is done that; I will save the number.

I was in Hyderabad for 1 year. Around 5 years ago. Great days, miss them a lot. Miss - Bavarchi, paradise, movie theatres etc.

Sure.It will be my pleasure.The number is 9989040500

I deliberately gave the detail as one tends to think about co passengers as those on 2C and 2D.That's they way I do so I just wanted to keep it more real.

I laughed my heart out on the "bold"thing.It is actually silly of me to do that.I did it more from habit than anything else.

In my corporate avatar its appraisal time and Highlighting your performance is the flavour of the month.The readers are smart but unfortunately the same cannot be said of the bosses.

Will unbold the last line.Great suggestion !!!

Thanks a lot for your time and effort.I owe you one now.

All the best; May be we can have beer- if we ever meet in Hyderabad.  ;-)

My views on - The Rainbow.

The title is very nice; the picture is apt. The narration is tight and doesn't deviate from the theme. Ending is subtle.

I don't have any suggestions. It's a good story.

Probably some microscopic detail (which is required in a murder mystery) could be avoided. - seat numberr 2c, 2d, time information etc.

Why the last line is in bold? It reminds the reader - look here is what I FEEL very important, read it again. Where as the readers are smart, they do not need to be reminded, some intelligent reader may get annoyed.

By making the line bold you (writer) are expressing your view.

By making the line non-bold, you (writer) are not judging the story or characters. You are leaving it to the readers. The stories should be detached from author's view , the characters should speek not the writer.

All the best.

Hi shree,

Readers views are most important.I humbly accept your comments.

Changes have been made as suggested by Ravi.All pics emoved except that of Miss Grover.I  can't be so insensitive you see

It was an interesting story. I  liked the ending.

As suggested by Ravi the dialogues could be improved upon. You have a good style.  I feel the writing can be made sharper.

Personally, I do not want pictures to distract me from the post. I prefer coming up with my own imagery in my mind! 

I love RK narayan and Premchand.Ruskinn Bond and Khuswant singh also have an old world feel about them.

I will pick up Gogol soon.Thanks.

I have added you to my blogroll.Read the Pub incident post.Super !

Hey, Rajnish

I have already read - The rainbow, few days back. I will read it again from the point of a critic and post my views soon.

All the best.

Read short stories of Gogol, and R K Narayan. You may like them. They write amazingly simple.

Dear Ravi,

Simplicity is something that striked me when I read your posts.I think I liked them because they were quite close to my style.Yes I do do keep it plain not because that's the way I like to write but that's the way I like to read.Complex sentence structures and heavy vocabulary takes away the flow.

I admit the fault in dialogue delivery.Will try and have a relook at it.

I take the other two suggestions too but I would still like to still keep Gautum as the big author although Arindam can be a editor in a small local newspaper.

I feel pictures add a bit of imagery and also help readers stay longer on a posts.Kind of a marketing gimmick...can be avoided once I become a better writer.

Can you review http://aahang.wordpress.com/2009/05/02/the-rainbow/ too ?

It will be a big favor as I really liked your critique.

By the way I have made the changes you had suggested.Thanks a ton  !

Beautiful miss grover is a nice story.

The narration is very good; ending is subtle.

There are no unnecessary big words - which many new writers use to show their vocabulary skills. Simple words and good narration makes this a smooth story and keeps the reader interested.

I feel the character dialogue could be improved.

Both friends become super-rich at the end, talk big money - this kind of hamper the innocence of the story that had a humble begining.

I would suggest to avoid snaps or real life pictures in a fictional stories.